Have You Ever Just Disappeared?
____I disappeared
tonight. Yep, I vanished…just
melted away into the background. It’s
been coming on for about a year or so,
but tonight solidified my suspicions,
I really just disappeared. It finally
happened, in
the overflowing crowds of the most popular
comedy spot in the city, I simply disappeared.
Melted into the background like an abstract
painting on the wall…you know
it’s there, but does it really
matter?
____Never
did I imagine that I’d feel this
way. But a series of things have made
me come to feel like I have been branded
with the scarlet letter - “S.”
I never imagined having to make such
a public declaration, but
yes, I am 40 something years old and
have never been married! Ugh! I am single.
And, my single experiences have been
a far cry from the glamorized, free
willing, Gucci, Prada, Manolo Blahnik,
Dolce & Gabbana laced, Sex in the
City-life everybody wants to attach
to being single. Heck, my lived experiences
more closely resemble the pages of “No
Sex in the City, the County or the Unincorporated
Suburbs!”
____Until
recently, I thought I was comfortable
with this perpetual state of singleness.
Frankly, the only time it ever seemed
to bother me was during the early morning
hours when I’d reach across the
bed but there
were only pillows to hug. But, that’s
a whole other conversation in itself.
____Now
that this awful truth is out, it doesn’t
negate the fact that I have to live,
work and play in a society that looks
at you a little strange when you say
the taboo phrase, “I’m single.”
Usually, the person or
persons I’m speaking with give
me that look as to say, “You’re
kidding!” With an apologetic smirk,
I usually shake my head no when they
stare with that question mark on their
faces. Inevitably, someone says, “Divorced?”
As if programmed, the words “No,
never married” automatically tumbled
from my lips.
____Public
events are my specialty and being alone
at them was only like fuel to the fire
that drove my public persona. There
is always something to do. I never really
meet any strangers and could wonder
the street
festivals, art fairs or most any event
and you’d think I were running
for political office by the sheer numbers
of people whom I’d manage to get
to know.
____Normally,
it’s easier for me to get the
best seat at a concert because I only
ever need one seat. That’s why
my recent experience at the premier
comedy theater in my city threw me for
a loop and began a chain of thoughts
that had me depressed for the better
part of a whole day…a holiday,
no less.
____The
eve before a holiday, I always try to
do something to jumpstart the holiday.
I’d go and hang out for a few
– just to keep in touch with “the
people.” Sunday was no different.
I patiently waited in a line that
wrapped around the building and extended
half way down the block. I endured the
mindless banter of half-dressed, chain
smoking, over sexed twenty-somethings.
I could have been pushy like the stylishly
dressed, uppity trio that came behind
me and found some “friends”
at the front of the line that were “waiting”
on me. But, nah, for whatever reason,
maybe because I found the banter of
those around me quite amusing, I stuck
it out and waited.
____I
have been to dozens of shows here since
the opening of this comedy club, which
is in an area of town that yuppies,
and a generous mayor, have made trendy
and popular over the last few years.
Like tonight, most of the time, I go
there by myself. But tonight was different;
it was as if I were invisible.
____Initially,
the host acknowledged me as a party
of “one” but tacked me onto
the tail end of a group of nine. I wasn’t
with them and didn’t want to be
with them either. The attendant scanned
the group of us and had to predict that
we weren’t together. Now, this
may have been because of the obvious
generational and racial differences,
or because the group’s members
reminded him that they needed nine seats
together…not ten. Well, being
the tenth person in a nine-member party,
he didn’t seat me with them. In
fact, he didn’t seat me at all!
____So,
there I was, Ms. Invisible Me, 5’3”,
dressed in a day glow orange outfit,
standing along the wall while multiple
attendants, wait staff and the host,
himself, passed me countless times.
I knew they could see me but not once
did anyone offer to seat me or question
why I was standing along the wall, which
might have posed an obvious violation
of the fire code. None of the wait-staff
ever even bothered to see if I needed
to buy any of the expensive drinks or
high-priced food items that they generally
push on you like a street vendor trying
to convince you to buy the last of his
gold, designer watches for only five
dollars.
____Couples
and groups of three, seven or more paraded
in past me, were seated at tables near
and far, while I stood along the wall.
Soon, I faded into the corner where
a fraternity of comedians anxiously
waited for their turns on the stage.
Some may have wondered why I was there,
but no one questioned me, not even the
host as he came in and stood right besides
me. Never before had I felt as single
– as alone - as I felt at that
moment. Yeah, sure, I laughed and even
joined those standing around
me to congratulate each performer as
he came off stage.
____Don’t
get me wrong, it was kind of cool to
hang out over there with a group of
progressive, aggressive young men, all
trying to forge their niche in the entertainment
industry. But is this what I get for
going out alone? Do I get to pay to
stand around and play “den mother”
to those trying to scratch out some
last minute adjustments to their routine?
Maybe I’ve been enjoying my outings
through the tint of rose-colored glasses.
Has it always been this bad for those
going out alone? I don’t know
but trust me; I am on a quest to see
if I really am invisible or if this
was a one-time fluke.
A. Judge,
2003
Tampa, FL
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A. Judge, 2003
Tampa, FL
Writer
Angela Judge takes close looks at Tampa
life, its people, and hollas back. More
stories to come soon!